The Road to Spinoff
by FLuFFy
Summary: Having a spinoff isn't as easy as it looks. The staff should know better.


The Road to Spinoff  
by: FLuFFy  
rating: PG13  
notes: none. Oh, except that I know my numbers are wonky.   
And the formatting is off. From now on I'm using notepad.  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
  
  
[scene. SAM's office. JOSH and TOBY are there.]  
  
  
SAM  
I think I'm going to run for congress.  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Why?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Because I've realized that I someday wish to be President, to make a real difference in this world, and to accomplish this, I should, I will become a congressman first, for I believe that I can achieve my goals for this great society...  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Okay, it's a poorly plotted exit strategy.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Knew it.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Shut up. I'm getting a spinoff out of this deal.  
  
  
  
TOBY  
So, how are you gonna do this? You need a lot before anybody will vote for you.   
  
  
  
SAM  
Like?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
A wife.  
  
  
  
SAM  
I...  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Josh won't work.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Ainsley!  
  
  
  
AINSLEY  
What? I was vacationing in Peru.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Marry me?  
  
  
  
AINSLEY  
What makes you think I would give up my career to marry some liberal,  
left-wing Yankee jackass like yourself?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Have you looked at him?  
  
  
  
AINSLEY  
Fair enough.   
  
  
  
TOBY  
Wacky bipartisan hijinks...Check!  
  
  
  
SAM  
So, what's next?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
People need to like you.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Toby...  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Point taken. CHECK!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Next.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
You need a catchphrase.  
  
  
  
SAM  
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Toby?"  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Taken.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah. Uh... "How you doin'?"  
  
  
  
JOSH  
That too.  
  
  
  
SAM  
"One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna punch you in a faa-ace!"  
  
  
  
JOSH  
You remember That's My Bush! ?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, even though according to Sorkinverse George Dubya never existed.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Continuity Schmontinuity.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Exactly.  
  
  
  
TOBY [annoyed]  
We'll figure the catchphrase out later.  
  
  
  
SAM  
So, what else?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
You need...  
  
  
  
JOSH  
A silly next-door neighbor?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Yeah.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Why?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
For it is the rule of the sitcom.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Uh...  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Let's think.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Who's really, really annoying?  
  
  
  
[Toby looks at Josh, pointedly.]  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Hey!  
  
  
  
SAM  
He's got a point...  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Idiot neighbor?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
But!  
  
  
  
TOBY  
IDIOT NEIGHBOR!?  
  
  
  
JOSH [sighing]  
Check...  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Alright! Sounds like we've got ourselves a show!  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
"NBC is America's most watched network. With the number one comedy, 'Friends,' the number one late night program, 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,' the number one gay comedy, 'Will & Grace,' the number one anvillicious medical program, 'ER," and the number one political drama that takes place in the west wing of the White House, 'The West Wing'..."  
  
"But this fall, NBC takes you where you've never been before... TO CONGRESS!"  
  
"Forget everything you know about the pre-established character of Sam Seaborn from THAT OTHER SHOW. This is completely different! No, really it is. No, really. Plus, it's a spinoff that DOESN'T have 'Law & Order' in the title! Please watch. We are NBC. Pity us."  
  
MONDAYS @ 8:00/7:00 CENTRAL, BEFORE 'FEAR FACTOR'  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
SEABORN!  
  
  
No one told you life was gonna be this waaaay,  
Toby's one mean bloke; you're broke,  
your love life's DOA!  
It's like you're always stuck in second geaaaaar,  
and you haven't passed a bill in a day, a week, a month, or even a yeaaaar!  
  
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,  
when you need a seatbelt;  
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,  
and he'll make your heart meeeeellt;  
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,  
unlike certain wannabe feministas who eat away at your last nerve and make you want to gouge your eyes out with a crudely fashioned spoooo-orrrrk.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Episode One: "The One With All the Sitcom Clichés"  
  
  
  
[scene. Sam's house.]  
  
  
  
[Josh plows through the door.]  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Hey there, buddy!  
  
  
  
[He starts raiding Sam's fridge.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
Hey! You have a refrigerator at your place!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
I need somewhere to store my soup.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Oh no!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
You got it! This place down the block has the greatest soup ever!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Oh no!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Actually, they do.  
  
  
  
SAM  
NO!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
What?  
  
  
  
SAM  
I see where you're going with this, and no. I refuse to take part in anything that involves soup dictators of any sort.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
This is different!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Nothing's different in Sitcoms!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah, you're right. I think I'm in love with Donna.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Gasp! But you're engaged to Amy.  
  
  
  
JOSH [wailing]  
I don't know what to do!  
  
  
  
AMY [busting in]  
Sam...  
  
  
  
SAM  
What?  
  
  
  
[Josh leaves for no reason.]  
  
  
  
AMY  
I think I'm in love with Congressman White.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Gasp! But you're engaged to Josh!  
  
  
  
AMY  
I know!  
  
  
  
LEO [breaking in]  
Sam, we need to talk.  
  
  
  
SAM  
What is it?  
  
  
  
LEO  
I think I'm in love with Fitzwallace!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Gasp! But you're engaged to Jed! Wait... FITZ!?  
  
  
  
LEO  
Love knows no boundaries, you bigot.  
  
  
  
SAM  
I am not a bigot!  
  
  
  
LEO [to SAM]  
I know. This is the sitcom way of dealing with heavy issues in a ridiculously contrived manner.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Oh.  
  
  
  
LEO  
I am not talking to you until you learn to accept the gay community!  
  
  
  
SAM  
I accept the community! I embrace the community! Wha...  
  
  
  
[LEO leaves.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
Oh, for crying out loud.  
  
  
  
[AMY pops her prom video into SAM's vcr.]  
  
  
  
[begin tape]  
  
  
  
  
AMY  
I'm so excited for prom!  
  
  
  
  
MOM  
I know!  
  
  
  
  
AMY  
Where's my date!? I can't go without a date!!  
  
  
  
  
DAD  
Josh, why don't you take Amy?  
  
  
  
  
JOSH  
She wouldn't wanna go with me.  
  
  
  
  
[Amy is crying]  
  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Okay.  
  
  
  
  
[He puts on a tux and walks downstairs to  
  
find...]  
  
  
  
  
DATE  
You ready to go?  
  
  
  
  
AMY  
Hell yeah!  
  
  
  
  
[JOSH looks sad.]  
  
  
  
  
[end tape]  
  
  
  
  
AMY  
I can't believe he did that!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Uh...  
  
  
  
AMY  
I do love Josh!  
  
  
  
SAM  
That's great.  
  
  
  
[AMY leaves.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
I think I'm ready to have children...  
  
  
  
[AUDIENCE "awww"s]  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
And...cut!  
  
  
  
SAM  
What the hell!?  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
It's clever, see, 'cuz nobody ever has children on TV!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Really...  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
NEVER!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Okay: Friends, Cheers, I Love Lucy, Mad About You, Dharma and Greg, Angel, ER, Growing Pains, Married with Children, All in the Family, The Brady Bunch, The Wes....  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
Okay, they do...but, it's not a cliché, if that's what you're thinking.  
  
  
  
SAM  
How is it not!?  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
Listen, buddy. I didn't even want to give you a show, but apparently you're "eye candy" and a yooooge ratings draw. And, well, as long as I'm making money, I'm happy, and you should just be grateful you're even on TV now.  
  
  
  
SAM  
By the way, do I get residual checks for this?  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
Shut up and get back to work.  
  
  
  
[Sorkin leaves to wade in a pool of money and shrooms.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
This show is awful. I quit.  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TOBY  
That was pretty crappy, Sam.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Hence the whole quitting thing.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
So, what now?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Why don't you try a drama?  
  
  
  
SAM  
A drama?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Yes! It can appeal to the young demographic!  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Exactly.  
  
  
  
SAM  
I don't know...  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Of course you do!  
  
  
  
SAM  
I guess I could try it....  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
"Here at NBC, we take pride in our programming. The quality shows...here on NBC. Except for when we mess up. Like with 'Inside Schawrtz,' 'Emeril,' 'Leap of Faith,' 'Good Morning, Miami'..."  
  
"But that's not the point. Sometimes we can change a show completely, and then stick it back on the air with a new title. Like 'The Weber Show'. Does anybody remember that piece of crap? I mean, what was my boss thinking when he gave that the green light?"  
  
"Back to the point, PROMO BOY!"  
  
"Right. So... Sam Seaborn goes to congress in an all-new NBC DRAMA..."  
  
WEDNESDAYS @ 10:00/9:00 central, AFTER THAT OTHER SHOW.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Samuel's Creek  
  
  
  
I don't want to wait! For election to be oooo-over,  
I want to know right now, Oh will I win!?  
I don't want to wait! For election to be oooo-over,  
Will I be, oh will I be: Senator Seaborn (D-Orange County)?  
  
So, legalize your prostitutes,  
call them "call girls" or I'll give you the boot,  
You know that if I want my term to be-giiin,  
I need a cheezy way to wiiiin.  
Do, dooo doo dooo doooooo....  
  
~~~  
  
  
SAM  
Ainsley, did you sleep with Pacey last night?  
  
  
  
AINSLEY  
Perhaps, Samuel, however yourself and I hast been through for two years now and I shouldn't feel culpable at all for our tryst!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Oh, the angst! I dare not even glimpse at you now! Farewell, Ainsley! I shalt venture to thy election assemblage to make my oration.  
  
  
  
AINSLEY  
Fine, Samuel! I hope you never cease to commit to memory how you have behaved toward myself in the present day.  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
And...cut!  
  
  
  
SAM  
No words can describe how truly awful that was.   
  
  
  
SORKIN  
How so, pretty boy!?  
  
  
  
SAM  
NOBODY talks like that!  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
We're trying to relate to the teen audience.  
  
  
  
SAM  
And again I say, NOBODY talks like that! How do you expect them to understand what I'm talking about if I don't even know?  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
I bet Josh knows. He is "smarter than you" after all...  
  
  
  
JOSH  
I really have no idea.  
  
  
  
SORKIN  
Damn.  
  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam...  
  
  
  
SAM  
I know.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam...  
  
  
  
SAM  
I know!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Maybe you should just stay here with us.  
  
  
  
SAM  
...and concentrate on Superconducting Whatchamacallits while you're getting all the [censored]? No thanks.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Well, not all of it. Didn't you and Mallory hook up?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Just a note for future reference. If you ever say "hook up" again, Josh, I may have to beat you.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Okay. But, didn't you?  
  
  
  
SAM  
I don't know.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
You don't know?  
  
  
  
SAM  
It hasn't been explained yet.  
  
  
  
TOBY  
It never will be.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Well, that's not right.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Well, really, there was no time to fit it in with Toby getting his plot contrivance on.  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Those are my children you're talking about!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Break out the water skis, Josh, and get ready for some shark jumping!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Huh?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Forget it.  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Okay. So, why don't we try getting more of a spinoff vibe this time...and make it more realistic...  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
"Okay. We're grown men. We can admit when a show sucked. But, NOW we've worked out all the kinks. NBC and Warner Brothers Studios present...the most realistic show about politics on the air..."  
  
THURSDAYS @ 11:00 AFTER ER.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
THE REAL WORLD: D.C.  
  
  
This is the true story of 7 politicians...  
Picked to help Sam Seaborn run for congress...  
And find out what happens...  
When politics stop being boring...  
And start getting about young, HOT senators.  
THE REAL WORLD: Washington, D.C.  
  
  
  
[scene. confessionals.]  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Okay...so I was at the bar the other night, and I come home and Sam has brought these 3 strippers back to the house, right? And I'm all 'Yo, you have a girlfriend.' and he's all 'Shut up, jackass.' And that was, like, so not cool or whatever.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Okay...so I may have brought home some ladies the other night. But Josh was being, like, such a drama queen about it. It's not like I slept with them. He's just totally jealous because he's losing all of his hair and I still maintain gorgeous tresses.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
And, like, another thing. He's always using words like gorgeous and sumptuous and luxurious. I'm starting to think he has maybe a little Bobby Trendy envy. That or he's totally in the closet...  
  
  
  
LEO  
So, I get home and Sam and Josh are going at it...like, having a fight or whatever. Somebody had to calm those two down, so I was like, 'Chill, dawgs.' And then CJ walks in drunk, and I was all, 'Girl, you know that ain't good for me to see. Bitch, you knows I'm an alcoholic. Why you gotta be like that?'  
  
  
  
CJ  
Just because Leo can't have any fun doesn't mean I can't. Anyway, I had to drown my sorrows. [sniffling] Sam and I should be together! I've like only known him for two days, but I think he loves me too! The strippers were just, like, a way to cover.  
  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Anyways, when I first walked into this house, you cannot believe the language these guys were using. "Dawg. Peeps. Homie!" It's enough to make a brother sick.  
  
  
  
[scene. The first day.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
Yo! What's your name, bro?  
  
  
  
CHARLIE  
Charlie Young.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Are you gay?  
  
  
  
CHARLIE [stunned]  
No.  
  
  
  
AINSLEY [entering]  
Hi, y'all.  
  
  
  
  
[confessional]  
  
  
AINSLEY  
Whenever I first came in the house, I was a bit peeved. These guys was all up in my face 'cuz I have an a'cent. I really thought I was gon' cry.  
  
  
[/confessional]  
  
  
  
SAM  
"Y'all?" What a hick!  
  
  
  
AINSLEY  
That ain't funny! That ain't funny! I'm 'on' beatchu with a stick!  
  
  
  
LEO [wandering in]  
So, peeps, how is it hang-ing?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Shit! You ain't down, bro! What're you, ninety?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Are you gay?  
  
  
  
LEO  
NO!  
  
  
  
[confessional]  
  
JOSH  
Well, so-rrrry, but anybody who takes offense to me asking if they're gay must have something to hide. 'Sides, there's always one of them that is.  
  
  
  
SAM [offscreen]  
Maybe it's you, jerkwad!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
I'm confessing, you jackass! Can we do that over? CUT!  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
TOBY  
...And now we've sunken lower than ever.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
He called me gay!  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Shut up.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
But!  
  
  
  
TOBY  
I don't care. Sam...  
  
  
  
SAM  
It was your idea to do a reality show!  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Well, it was your idea to get yourself a goddamn spinoff! What do you want from me? I'm not a writer!  
  
  
  
[Josh looks at him, pointedly.]  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Actually...  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Can it, Josh! I'm getting sick of you, too! Can neither of you come up with a good idea?  
  
  
  
[JOSH and SAM twiddle their thumbs.]  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Swell...  
  
  
  
AMY [entering]  
What the hell are you yelling about in here?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
What are you doing he...  
  
  
  
JOSH  
...We can't come up with a good show and Toby got mad.  
  
  
  
AMY  
Well, I could have told you that you guys wouldn't be able to come up with anything.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Why?  
  
  
  
AMY  
Because you're men. Let me give this a whirl...  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
"Okay, okay. So, sometimes shows get pawned off on other networks. Like, say, 'Wolf Lake,' 'Buffy'... It's not really fair to compare Buffy to 'Wolf Lake,' but you get the point..."  
  
"From the producers of 'The West Wing,' E! presents an all new reality program!"  
  
SUNDAYS @ 11:00 after 12 different True Hollywood Stories on various members of the cast of 'Growing Pains'.  
  
~~~  
  
  
THE SAM SEABORN SHOW  
  
  
Samuel, Samuel, glamorous Samuel, Samuel Seaborn!   
Was born in Cali', strugglin' savin', tryin' to get to fame!  
Then you use what you got (and that's a lot!), you became a household name   
Married a billionaire, so he was 88, but they didn't date!   
Then it all disappeared as fast as it caa-aame!  
Samuel, Samuel, glamorous Samuel! Samuel Seaborn!  
You're so outrageeeouuus!  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
EPISODE ONE: "Redecorating"  
  
  
  
SAM  
So...uuuuuuuuum...How-aaard came over and...u...i...redecorate.  
  
  
  
HOWARD  
Sam was really excited. We set up a meeting with one of the best interior decorators around: Joshy Trendy.  
  
  
  
[scene. Interior Design 'R' Us.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
I....uh...pill-ows.   
  
  
  
JOSHY  
Well, Samuel! How about we get two LUXURIOUS pillows, okay...and we put a picture of you looking FABULOUS one each one?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Urrr....M...Iff...Valium?  
  
  
  
JOSHY  
And we could even get your GORGEOUS face looking left on one pillow and right on the other.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Ucc....do that?  
  
  
  
JOSHY  
ABSOLUTELY! We can print it right onto some SUMPTUOUS fuscia leopard print fabric! Isn't that exciting!?  
  
  
  
SAM  
  
Ihh...  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
SAM  
I hate you.  
  
  
  
AMY  
What? It got good ratings!  
  
  
  
SAM  
I hate you.  
  
  
  
AMY  
You...  
  
  
  
SAM  
Get out.  
  
  
  
AMY  
B...  
  
  
  
SAM  
Get OUT!  
  
  
  
AMY  
Sam...  
  
  
  
SAM [shrieking]  
GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!  
  
  
  
[Amy leaves.]  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Oh, god! My ears! What was that?  
  
  
  
SAM  
What?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
With the shrieking.  
  
  
  
SAM  
No idea.  
  
  
  
[TOBY notices CJ walking by.]  
  
  
  
CJ [singing]  
Why do you build me up, build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down, let me down...  
  
  
  
TOBY  
CJ!  
  
  
  
CJ  
I need you, I need you more than anyone, dar... [stopping] What?  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Maybe you can help?  
  
  
  
CJ  
With what?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam needs a new show.  
  
  
  
CJ  
Sure thing, Spanky. So, what do you wanna do a show about?  
  
  
  
SAM  
I'm not sure I really want to anymore.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
What?!  
  
  
  
SAM  
I'm about ready to give up.  
  
  
  
CJ  
Not before I get to try something!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Oh, Lord...  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
"No gimmicks. No cheesy theme song. Just a show about Samuel Norman Seaborn and his quest for the senate seat in California. Coming to NBC this fall."  
  
WEDNESDAYS @ 8:00 BEFORE 'THE WEST WING'   
  
~~~  
  
  
Capitol Hill  
  
  
  
SAM  
Joey!  
  
  
  
JOEY  
Yes?  
  
  
  
SAM  
How are we doing?  
  
  
  
JOEY [signing]  
You've got 89% of the democratic vote, 92% of the female vote...  
  
  
  
SAM  
Cute.  
  
  
  
JOEY  
I'll say. [signing] ...an incredible 1% of the republican vote...  
  
  
  
SAM  
That was sarcasm?  
  
  
  
JOEY  
Ya think? [signing] ...but it=s still 1%.   
  
  
  
SAM  
Log cabin?  
  
  
  
JOEY  
Yes. [signing] 63% of the 18-25 vote, and 56% of the 26-40. 51% of the 41-55.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Okay, so I'm winning?  
  
  
  
JOEY [signing]  
You're eating it in the elderly vote.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Well, screw the elderly.  
  
  
  
JOEY [signing]  
...Which is exactly why they're not voting for you.  
  
  
  
SAM  
That can't hurt too much. How many elderly people actually live in California?  
  
  
  
JOEY  
Tons.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Can't be that many.  
  
  
  
JOEY [signing]  
38% of the population.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Is there anything you don't know?  
  
  
  
JOEY  
No.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Maybe we can convince Nevada to open up some sort of elderly retreat community... get them to leave. Poker, slot machines, all the prunes you can eat...  
  
  
  
JOEY  
Sam...  
  
  
  
SAM  
We'll work on it.  
  
  
  
[SAM's cell phone is ringing.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
Hello?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Sam!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Dad?  
  
  
  
JOSH [now depressed]  
No...i-it's Josh. I don't...sound old ... do I?  
  
  
  
  
SAM  
I was kidding.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
That's not funny.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Okay.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
It wasn't.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Alright. What's up?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
How's the campaign going?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Well, I've got 92% of the female vote going for me, which is nice.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
NINETY-TWO!? Wow.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Well, clearly they're impressed.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
I could get that many.  
  
  
  
SAM  
If you say so.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
I could. Are you winning?  
  
  
  
SAM  
By a small margin. So, how is everyone?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Well, CJ's been giving me nicknames since you left.  
  
  
  
CJ [in the background]  
Who ya talkin' to, Pokey?  
  
  
  
JOSH [to CJ]  
Sam. [to Sam] Toby's getting pissed off writing speeches all by himself.  
  
  
  
[a loud thump is heard.]  
  
  
  
SAM  
What was that?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
That was him playing with his ball.  
  
  
  
SAM  
I see...  
  
  
  
JOSH  
...Everyone else is feeling some Sam-missage too. But, in general, they're all doing good.  
  
  
  
SAM  
You mean, 'well'  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Yeah, okay.  
  
  
  
SAM  
So, how are you?  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Okay. I guess, uh... One could say ...maybe ...just a little...  
  
  
  
SAM  
You miss me? [sarcastically] How cute.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Though you can't see it, be aware that I am glaring at you right now.  
  
  
  
  
SAM  
Good to know.  
  
  
DONNA  
Sam?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Oh, I have to go. Talk to you later.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Okay. Say "hi" to Donna for me.  
  
  
  
SAM  
Will do. 'Bye.  
  
  
  
JOSH  
Goodbye.  
  
  
  
SAM [to Donna]  
Josh says "hi".  
  
  
  
DONNA  
Did you have to run in California? I mean, it's bad enough that that woman's getting all excited at the prospect of her precious Donna getting married, but we had to move even closer to her!  
  
  
  
SAM  
By, "that woman" you meant your mom, right? Also, D.C. was closer to Wisconsin than Cal...  
  
  
  
DONNA  
Samuel Norman Seaborn! You know better than to correct me when I'm ranti...  
  
  
  
SAM  
I do, actually. Why would I do that? [pleading] Why, God, why?  
  
  
DONNA [half-amused]  
  
Shut up.  
  
  
  
SAM  
I will not.  
  
  
  
DONNA  
  
Then I'll just have to make you... Hey! Is that a Dungeons and Dragons Convention!?  
  
  
  
SAM [looking around frantically]  
Huh? Where? [realizing] I loathe you.  
  
  
  
DONNA  
You do realize you're provoking me to become Mandy-ish. Or worse: Amy-esque. I need tender loving care!  
  
  
  
SAM  
What are you? A chia pet?  
  
  
  
DONNA  
  
You're comparing me with a shrub?  
  
  
  
SAM [somewhat to himself]  
Not going to go for the obvious bush parallel. Not going to go for the obvious bush parallel....  
  
  
  
DONNA  
You perv!  
  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, you love it. [gesturing] Get over here.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
SAM  
Oooh!  
  
  
CJ  
You're happy?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Well it needs work. Like, the numbers...  
  
  
  
CJ  
Back off, man!  
  
  
  
JOSH  
You and Donna?  
  
  
SAM  
What?  
  
  
JOSH  
YOU and DONNA?  
  
  
  
CJ  
I think they look good together. Also: Shut up, Josh.  
  
  
  
TOBY  
It really doesn't matter. Are we done? We've got a show?  
  
  
  
SAM  
Yeah, okay.  
  
  
  
CJ  
Alright!  
  
  
  
TOBY  
Good. Now get the hell out of here.  
  
  
  
SAM  
No goodbye hug?  
  
  
TOBY  
GET OUT!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
